Failure to Launch

I am going to start a blog.  That was the plan!  No problem, it can’t be that hard,  people do it all the time…travel blogs, baby blogs.  I will address the ups and downs of being a working mom, sister, friend…..and of course wife!  I think?   No, I am going to start a blog and discuss what I know for sure!  Who am I kidding, do I really know anything for sure?  Okay.,…no no forget both of those……THIS WAS ME!!!!   I was all over the map….and then it came to me, I will create a website and it will be the thoughts. ideas and feelings I have on any given day.  I will share my voice with the world.  My experiences, my passions and my desire to inspire others.  I will share what I know and what I am still learning!  Perhaps then, I will touch someone who needs to hear what I have to say and they will find a starting point to address what is weighing on their minds.  Maybe I will motivate someone to finally pursue their dream job and stop putting off all of their dreams and desires.  If I am really lucky, I will make someone feel hope in the midst of despair, to have faith that the deepest grief really does pass and to believe that  they will overcome whatever it is that is happening at this very moment.  That they will one day shine and know so much more about life than they ever could have imagined.  This was it…..this is what I wanted to write about.  The only thing holding me back….was what would that look like and how was I going to make it happen?!!

First of all, I have a confession to make.  I became a procrastinator for awhile.  I mean really really really procrastinated.  I am not sure exactly what happened to me.  Perhaps when I resigned from my demanding corporate career and finally slowed down enough to breathe, I realized that just the thought of looking at the clock or having a deadline sent me into instant anxiety.  It did, It was this pit in my stomach and then my heart would start pounding and my mind just raced and I would feel so overwhelmed that I shut down!  I kept asking myself,  “What is going on?  What am I afraid of?”  I struggled with the answer to that.  I was afraid of not getting everything done that I needed to get done by a certain deadline……my list of ‘deliverables’ for the day….for my life…..didn’t work like it did in the office.  I felt resentful at the thought of a deadline or that something had to be done or even someone that had to be picked up or dropped off.  Hadn’t I enjoyed being a busy working mom who was always on the go AND hit the gym several days a week.  I loved the idea of being busy and I loved being that girl who can do it all.  Go to work all day, cook a gourmet meal, workout, look after kids and dogs, even have quiet time with my husband and be up at the crack of dawn to start all over again!  The pressure didn’t seem to be present in me the same way as some people I spoke with, they seemed angry and resentful and weren’t enjoying their life.  I didn’t recognize myself in any of them.  I was happy and enjoying my life…. I was…..until I wasn’t!!

When I decided to resign from my position it was not an overnight decision.  It took over a year of tossing back and forth with my husband and playing out scenarios in my mind.  The loss of independence scared me.  Giving up something I had worked so hard for scared me.  I had to check in with myself and what was really important to me in my life; take an inventory of my dreams and desires and where exactly I was on achieving them.  If I was “THAT girl” why didn’t I feel fulfilled and why did I have this constant tug that I was not living authentically and honestly with myself, that I really wasn’t happy at all.  Let me be clear….I need to be careful when I say that I was not happy…..I was not unhappy….I certainly felt blessed and loved and safe.  I am talking about that deep sense of fulfillment that brings joy and a sense of accomplishment and pride.  The question then became:  how do I bring that to life….out of my mind and into reality?  How do I become myself….my very best self?

You may have already figured out that I am an over thinker and analyze everything.  This only makes things more difficult…..instead of coming up with a plan, I have to weigh it all out and take it to a place it never needs to go.  I OVER analyze.  So first step was to calm down enough to even feel capable of “checking in’ with myself.   Instead of overthinking my dreams and desires I started to let them just be…..feel them, let them hang out in my mind, enjoy the idea of seeing them one day come to life.   My next step was to realize that I was “time sick”.  Watching the clock, living in the past and the future was making me anxious and not one bit helpful in achieving my best life.  Living in the now had to be a priority, which meant that mindfulness would have to be number one.  I instantly understood that calming down my mind was key and this could only be accomplished through meditation.  Meditation changed my life!  It was like magic.  as though the entire world got brighter and I had this new found wisdom.  Slowly, I started appearing…..HELLO JOELLE!  PLEASED TO MEET YOU!!!   My dreams, my thoughts and opinions, my needs and desires, all of them came to me……or let me rephrase that….I finally slowed down enough to hear them….to hear me!  I went through a short phase of resentment, why hadn’t I done this sooner and realized this gift of stillness.  I did not let the resentment take me over.  I did not over think it.  I just felt it.  Let it have its space and time and let it pass.  It served its purpose and off it went.  Along came grief!  I had just lost my father, whom I certainly was not expecting to lose and in my stillness I realized all of the things I needed to say to him and now I could not.  It was, in fact, too late.  So I felt the heartache, acknowledged the lesson from it, let it rest in me….take me over if that is what it wanted to do …. then off it went.  Every step of the way, in my first year of meditation and stillness, I allowed myself to feel.  And with each passing emotion,….. I found myself.

Which brings me here to you right now!  Slight “failure to launch”….yes…. but I think that everything happened as it should exactly when it should have.  I am wiser now, I am fuller now and I am present now.  I will continue this journey but from this point on I will share it with you!  Come with me…..let’s find our charisma and grace and live our best life!

xoxo